His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
