We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
