I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
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Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
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I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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