Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
