Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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