Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
