Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
