We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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