you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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