i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
