I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
