Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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