i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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