my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
