Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
