i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
How's work?
Spinning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
