Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
