I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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