it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
