she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
