Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
