it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
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I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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