I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
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No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
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Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
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