she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
