So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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