I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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