if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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