Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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