i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
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If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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