i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
