Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
