apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
