My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
how drunk are you?