It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.