Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i think my cat just said my name.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life