if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
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i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
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Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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