I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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