I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
