we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
