this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
