white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
