I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's never too late to be topless.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
