So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
