did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
