I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
