The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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