The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
it glows. i had to have it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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