how can u be prego again
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
