finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
