i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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