And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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