im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
i've created a new STD.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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