dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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