In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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