4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
