This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
