Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
