I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
