haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
North Korea, Best Korea!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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