I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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