i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
