I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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