fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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